It's hard to pursue your wildest dreams, when everyone is telling you you'll never get there. I want to go to Duke University, study business, become friends with the basketball players, use my degree to start my own wedding planning business, move to New York City, and someday, meet him, and he will love me as much as I love him. I think we all have similar dreams. Go to a grand college, get your dream job, move to what you believe is the most wonderful place on the planet, settle down, and fall in love. But what if my dreams aren't the same as yours? I hear girls in my school saying, "It's my dream to go to the University of Iowa." You know why? Because where I come from, Iowa is the big party school, where all the popular kids go to live in a frat house. So what? Is that is really your huge, grand plan? To follow the path everyone else is taking, and drink your way through college? Well, have fun I guess.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.
So you go ahead and go to Iowa and have your parents pay for everything, although you have never done anything to earn it. I, on the other hand, will work my butt off for the dream of not only having the grades to be accepted into Duke, but also the money. Somewhere deep inside me, I know I'm only setting myself up for failure by doing so. Say I work as hard as I possibly could for the next two years, and finish high school with a 4.0 GPA or higher. Then I apply to Duke. I receive a letter that reads 'congratulations you have been accepted into Duke University.' That won't even matter anyways, because I couldn't even come up with half a years tuition on my own, (not to mention my parents aren't paying a single penny of my college fees). Or consider the other scenario: I work as hard as I can for two years, apply to Duke, and get rejected. I can see myself lying on my kitchen floor, rejection letter clutched in hand, tears streaming down my face. Then I have worked as hard as I possibly could, and now have been informed that my best simply isn't good enough... AND I still wouldn't be able to afford it.
Being asked why I don't just go to Duke on a full-ride basketball scholarship is just another slap in the face. Thank you for not only reminding me that I will never be able to afford the college I have been dreaming of going to since I was in 5th grade, but also reminding me that I am not nearly as good of a basketball player as I wish I was.
So I have come up with a plan B and C.
Plan B: same as plan A, but attend Brooklyn College instead of Duke.
Pros: College is in NYC. Division III school, meaning I could play basketball there. Fairly cheap.
Cons: IT IS NOT DUKE
Plan C: same as plan A and B, but attend Grand Valley State University.
Pros: Very cheap. Maybe could play basketball there. Just about anyone can get in (80% acceptance rate).
Cons: It's located in Michigan. Does not allow me to get to the East coast, like I want to. AND IT'S NOT DUKE.
So while I am slowly coming to my senses, and trying to accept that I will never go to my dream college, I will never fully give up on trying to go there. I think the worst part of all of this is that not even my own parents believe I could do it. My mother gives me a disgusted look when I try to have a serious conversation with her about how much I want to go to Duke. My father just laughs right in my face. It never takes me by surprise, however. They have always done this to me. It's nothing new. There was a time when I really wanted to become a doctor or a nurse. When my passion for the health field first blossomed, I told my father right away, hoping he would be as excited as I was. He laughed. "You'll never have the grades for that. You're not smart enough." Yes, he actually said that to me. If he read this, though, he would claim he never said that. That is because he is a compulsive liar. My mother is too, but that is a different story, for a different time. Hearing his reaction to my desire to become a doctor might lead you to believe I am stupid, or that I get terrible grades. Truth is, I have never gotten a D or an F in a class, and I've only gotten 3 C's in my life. So yes, I'm all about the A's and B's, but that will never be good enough. Even if I never got anything other than an A in school, I still wouldn't be good enough for their invisible standards. Why are they invisible? Because nothing I ever do will ever pull a "good job" from their mouths. Because their standards aren't 'too high', their simply not there. This doesn't mean that they wouldn't care if I failed a class, (believe me, I get hell for a C+), it means that nothing I do will ever satisfy them or impress them. And this doesn't just go for academics.
I couldn't even tell you the last time I got a "good game" from my mom or dad. Not even a "Your 15-footer in the second quarter was a really good shot." or "Way to post that big girl up and hammer it in the hole." The only people I ever hear these compliments from are my coaches. And it is not as if these basketball terms are just not in their dictionary, because they are. In fact, all my mom and dad ever talk to me about is basketball; the NBA, Michigan State or the Chicago Bulls. They either don't think I'm good enough for their praise, or forget-- every single game. I'm not complaining because they don't fawn over every little thing I do, frankly I wouldn't want them to. But when every night after I have a great game, with 10 or more points and tons of rebounds, my mother walks into my room to say good night before she goes to bed, and I don't get a "good game" or any kind of acknowledgement of the fact that I played a freaking game of basketball that same night, it starts to hurt after a while.
So the combination of continually being told that I will never accomplish my biggest dreams, and constantly being overlooked while giving everything I have, all the time, has worn on me over the years. Just last night, I discovered my immense love for Brooklyn College, and the first person I told was my sister. I texted her all the perks of the college and she said "well there you go." Such a simple response, and yet I was extremely satisfied because it gave me a ray of hope, the slightest bit of positivity, which I hadn't received from anyone in such a long time. Next, I told my mother as she passed through the room. She could barely stop to listen to what I had to say. She was, after all, on her way to play solitaire on the computer, and that was far more important. After I gushed to her all the amazing details of the place I now wanted to call home, she nodded her head, and proceeded through the room.
The last person I told was my father. I said
"Dad, since you always say it's ridiculous that I still think I could go to Duke, I have found another college I'm really interested in. It's Brooklyn College in New York City."
"HA! You can't go to Brooklyn! You'd never make it in New York!" he laughed at me.
Finally I had had enough. Years of being told that I wasn't good enough had piled up too high, and I snapped. I don't remember exactly what I said to him, as it all was a blur of rage. It was something like "I'm tired of your negativity..." "I can go to any college I want to, you don't know me and what I can accomplish..." "I will do what I want, and you are not going to stop me." This had little to no effect on him as he continually talked over me, and laughed in my face, but that didn't matter, because it meant so much to me. They may never give me the time of day to let me tell them what I plan to do with my life. They will never say "I believe in you" or "I am so proud of you," probably not even when I graduate Brooklyn College. But the last thing I will let them do is make me feel that I can not accomplish something I set my mind to. I may never make them proud of me, and I think I am finally okay with that. Truth is, I don't need to hear motivation or praise from them to make me reach my goal. I can do it all on my own.
I know I won't hear "You were right." when I am standing with diploma in hand, or opening the doors of my very own wedding planning business, when I move into my New York City apartment, or when I marry the man I have been dreaming of for so long. And that's fine. Because I will always have my own self motivation, and goals to accomplish, and that will always be enough for me.
"You just have to believe in yourself when you've got something, and just keep pounding on the door, because if you pound long enough, somebody is going to open it."
-Cynthia Weil-
